Kuala Lumpur, 26th February.
It has been a year and a month since I started my ‘career break’. So much has changed in so little time. Just like my nephews who have lost their baby fat and now know how to win arguments with me.
Some things never change though. Like how my in-laws still refuse to see me let alone recognise our marriage. If I may speak truthfully, it matters less to me that they give us their blessings than to protect myself in the unlikely event of my husband’s sudden death. The last thing I need is to resent him when I should be mourning over him.
I hope you’re not spending all his money, shopping.
How many times have I heard that insult from strangers and new acquaintances upon being introduced as ‘the wife of’.
I had more money before I married him
I could have shopped more if I wanted
I had a better life than just shopping
Those are all the things I want to say, instead I just smile. Sure, my husband is upset when I tell him about it. Then, after a brief moment of conscience, life goes on for him. Whereas I will succumb to my own existential crisis. What is my purpose in life? If the answer for now, is in this marriage, why do I not feel fulfilled by it? There’s perpetual fatigue in feeling like you’re the only who tries hard to make everything work. That said, you know that you would do it all again because you can and you will.
Is it because you feel like, you’ve found yourself and then suddenly, you’re thrown to a whole different world that you have to start all over again?
Starting over is never a problem for me. Less than a year in Mexico, I’ve learned the language, made new friends, performed in a play and completed two online courses.
You know this person, she uprooted herself to a different country and she is still doing great stuff there
Normally, this type of anecdote serves to motivate me and I will be driven, upbeat. But I’m in uncharted waters. Everything seems personal and positivity, an illusion. So what are you saying? That I am a loser? Lack of initiative? Full of self-pity? It is hard not to compare yourself with others when people keep on telling you ‘if she can, why can’t you’.
I am in my thirties now and I still haven’t had it all figured out…it is scary, did you feel that way before?
A younger friend asked. How do I tell her, maybe for some people it was never meant to be – to have it all figured out? That we are among those who keep on searching and trying to make the best of whatever little opportunity we have. Until finally, God knows when the stars may align and our diamonds will be found.